naked.

i dilute my naked juice with water… so i feel like i drank a whole thing, but actually, i only drank like… 1/4th…

PAHAHAHAHAHA!

also, i’d like to get eyelash extensions like the girl from suckerpunch…

fucking hot babes.

ugly.

i applied to koryo university for summer school..

yayeahh~~~

fricken love going to korea…

this year.. i’m gonna be so skinny and fabulous…

and all “fixed up” for next semester…

i’m actually gonna be PREEETTY…

as in…

i will look at myself in the mirror and think

damn… i look GOOOOOOOOOD…

i am a beast.

eating schedule.

breakfast: 1 naked juice; water; yoolmoocha

lunch: 1 naked juice; water; pomegranate blueberry juice; **pita chips

dinner: NONE

Total cal? 980.

i can do it.

starting today.

i’ve had my fill today… i will have to do with water.

running… at night… until i’m exhausted…

i must lose weight.

please buy me a drink.

somebody.

please.

anybody.

i have… a lot of things going on right now… lots of family issues.

my spring break was shit. that is an understatement.

my parents started fighting again.

i spent a lot of time with my mom… so she would tell me how dad was so inconsiderate and unappreciative.

i agree with most of what she says… it makes me wonder…

will i ever find someone who will appreciate me? even for the little things?

hahaha.. i guess it’s no use worrying… if it’s meant for me to marry someone, God will help me figure it out, no?

but… i’m so tired. so sick and tired…

spring break was so exhausting… because i’d listen to my mom all day… and because we had guests over, i had to sleep with her… so i’d listen to her all night…

i know she’s so sad… and so upset.. and she’s exhausted too… but i’m tired of listening… i feel awful for feeling tired… but i am…

during all of break, i started calculating again…

if my parents divorce, i’ll demand for this and this and this… i’ll make my own money and live with my brother. even if it means living in berrien springs.

i spent all of break… drinking…

i drank and drank and drank…

i when i drink… i feel a sense of euphoria… i don’t feel my problems “melting away” like society tells you, but i felt like nothing really matters anymore…

i drank even more… i threw up… i had the biggest hangover… but i didn’t mind the throbbing headache.. i didn’t mind the hurt… because it kept my mind off of other things… like my family.

i brought a bottle of goldschlager to school.. and i drank and drank at school.

i went to class tipsy…

i went to prayer meeting tipsy…

i went to small groups tipsy…

but it was okay.. because nothing really matters anymore…

my dad tries to make things better for me… he tells me i can try whatever i want.. i can buy whatever i want…

he tells me to do whatever i want, because he loves me…

but i can tell.. that he’s saying that to make up for my mom. and to win me over… he… wants me to stick with him..

i love my daddy…

but sometimes, he does things that leave me baffled…

my parents.. come from two extreme families… and they are complete opposites of each other…

i don’t want to live a movie-scene life like them…

i want to marry..

a normal person…

someone from a good family… without extremes…

he doesn’t have to be the smartest… the fastest… the strongest.. the cutest…

i want..

a “just average” guy…

but right now…

i need another drink…

because whenever i’m alone…

i think of my family… and all the negative things… (even though my family has more positive attributes than negative…)

and i get so sad…

but when i drink…

nothing matters anymore…

so i stay in the “neutral zone”…

and it makes me feel…

better…

i guess..

 

hangover.

my head is throbbing, but i can’t tell anyone…

because it’s a hangover.

my god.

i always talked about drinkers in a condescending manner…

but it feels so damn good.

damn.

i’m running out of schnapps.

i need to figure out how to refill my stash.

goldschläger.

i drink.

because i want to stop eating.

drinking.

is much better than eating…

i found out.

HA. HA. HA.

alone is not good.

being in someone’s arms…

now that’s good.

sleep.

all of the bedrooms were full. we had too many guests.

sooyoung had done something to hurt mom’s feelings, so he stayed with her in her room.

i wondered, why can’t he sleep downstairs with the rest of the boys? meh?

but he had to get up at 4am to take a few people to the airport… so i figured, if i stay awake until some of the boys leave, then i’ll be able to sleep in peace. so i stayed up late, doing their laundry, drinking some something, watching inception with one of my new-found friend.

(it’s funny, how i used to think that he was sooo sketchy when i first saw him)

the boys had blankets on the floor to sleep on, so i figured, i should sleep on the couch.

except one of them freaking fell asleep on the couch. -___________-;;;

so i watched “inception” with my new, cute, sketchy, adorable friend on his macbook pro while laying on the blankets.

fell asleep there, of course.

i woke up, i don’t know how much later, because it was so freaking cold.

the blanket was twisted in a weird way, so half of my body wasn’t even covered.

he was curled up in fetal position because he was cold too…

i was tired. so i scooted closer to him. my back touched his arm, so i stopped. i fell asleep again.

i woke up a second time. his hand was resting on my back. he’s a lot closer to me than i remember. but it felt good.

it felt good to have someone so close. someone so near. even if he really isn’t someone i should like. it felt good that someone was not disgusted at me for being so damn snuggly. we were both cold. i was hesitant. i wanted to turn around and face him, put my head on his chest. but i didn’t. that would be too close.

for a second, we rolled away from each other… but then there was this huge air gap that filled with cold. so we scooted closer together again.

i woke up to his funky alarm. so did he. he turned it off, looked at me with tired, puffy eyes, groaned, and fell back asleep.

i tried… but by then i was wide awake, and too cold to sleep again.

i walked away like nothing ever happened.

nothing. happened.

 

new face.

i really want to get my eyes, nose, and jaws done.

i really do.

 

degree.

looking up different degrees and stuff in the School of Education.

dissertations. projects. research.

things that i really really really hate to do.

i guess…

you can’t always do what you want.

my dad…

tells me to do what i want…

but i…

i really can’t bring myself to do that.