please buy me a drink.

somebody.

please.

anybody.

i have… a lot of things going on right now… lots of family issues.

my spring break was shit. that is an understatement.

my parents started fighting again.

i spent a lot of time with my mom… so she would tell me how dad was so inconsiderate and unappreciative.

i agree with most of what she says… it makes me wonder…

will i ever find someone who will appreciate me? even for the little things?

hahaha.. i guess it’s no use worrying… if it’s meant for me to marry someone, God will help me figure it out, no?

but… i’m so tired. so sick and tired…

spring break was so exhausting… because i’d listen to my mom all day… and because we had guests over, i had to sleep with her… so i’d listen to her all night…

i know she’s so sad… and so upset.. and she’s exhausted too… but i’m tired of listening… i feel awful for feeling tired… but i am…

during all of break, i started calculating again…

if my parents divorce, i’ll demand for this and this and this… i’ll make my own money and live with my brother. even if it means living in berrien springs.

i spent all of break… drinking…

i drank and drank and drank…

i when i drink… i feel a sense of euphoria… i don’t feel my problems “melting away” like society tells you, but i felt like nothing really matters anymore…

i drank even more… i threw up… i had the biggest hangover… but i didn’t mind the throbbing headache.. i didn’t mind the hurt… because it kept my mind off of other things… like my family.

i brought a bottle of goldschlager to school.. and i drank and drank at school.

i went to class tipsy…

i went to prayer meeting tipsy…

i went to small groups tipsy…

but it was okay.. because nothing really matters anymore…

my dad tries to make things better for me… he tells me i can try whatever i want.. i can buy whatever i want…

he tells me to do whatever i want, because he loves me…

but i can tell.. that he’s saying that to make up for my mom. and to win me over… he… wants me to stick with him..

i love my daddy…

but sometimes, he does things that leave me baffled…

my parents.. come from two extreme families… and they are complete opposites of each other…

i don’t want to live a movie-scene life like them…

i want to marry..

a normal person…

someone from a good family… without extremes…

he doesn’t have to be the smartest… the fastest… the strongest.. the cutest…

i want..

a “just average” guy…

but right now…

i need another drink…

because whenever i’m alone…

i think of my family… and all the negative things… (even though my family has more positive attributes than negative…)

and i get so sad…

but when i drink…

nothing matters anymore…

so i stay in the “neutral zone”…

and it makes me feel…

better…

i guess..